smile, even if it's going to be a fake one.
because things will get better somehow.
because the sun still shines for you.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
initially i dont intend to blog about this, but... i dont know why i simply just made my way here...after the release of Alevels results last friday, i felt even more stressful than before. i set high goals for myself. probably because i am a retainee, hence i feel the need to do well since i have wasted a year more than the others to get prepared for this major exam. i dont want to allow myself to degrade, but neither do i want to be pessimistic. even if i didnt do well in tests, i still manage to 'turn on' the optimism in me, and promise myself i would try harder again.
yesterday, Miss Lim had a one-to-one talk to those who failed their lecture test. yes, i failed. it was an easy paper, and i swear i was prepared for it. but, i got 8/30 in the end. i didnt think i would fail this test, though i know i wont do well, and worse, i didnt know i would fail this badly. just finished my corrections for it, and goodness. careless mistakes > jack neo's extramarital affairs. no wonder i got only a pathetic eight.
anyway, besides being disappointed with my results, the cause of me being sad isnt very much it. it was in fact the talk with Miss Lim. but before she could even talk, i already broke down in front of her. Miss Lim is great, i dont really care how much the class hates her or math, but personally i think she is a human afterall, and i still respect her as a teacher. she didnt scold me or whatsoever, which made me feel even more ashamed of myself. but still, she took her time to help me sieve out the reasons as to why i scored so badly via the elimination method.
she told me something else too, which made me cry even harder. and all the more am i sad...
she actually stood up for me and had so much faith in me...
after she left the room (i remember its 459), i was left alone and i continued to cry. i just let everything out to make myself better. but sadly, i didnt feel better, but instead it got worse. the only time i stopped crying was when my eyes were so heavy and tired on the bus and i fell asleep. at home, i started to cry every 10minutes or so. it was really bad.
i talked to my parents, but instead of consoling me, they succeeded in lecturing me instead. i know they dont mean it, but it really felt as if they find me super dumb for crying. but they dont understand a thing! i was crying so hard that i couldnt talk properly. so they were the ones who kept talking and talking. i wanted to clarify some things which they misunderstood/assumed but i couldnt find the chance to. so i got a little pissed and began to ignore them. then they started complaining that they were trying to help me find my way out and yet i was ignoring them. my dad even asked why the hell must i be so 钻牛角尖. wtf. sorry daddy, no matter how much i love you, your words hurt me like crazy. i wanted to talk, but i couldnt, which made me feel worse...
in the end, i did manage to tell them some stuffs which i have kept in my heart for quite a period of time. my level of stress, my goals, my aims, my disappointments... i dont know how much they have understood, or still feel that i 钻牛角尖, but i dont care anymore.
i dont plan to talk to my parents with regards to my studies anymore. they wont understand, they will only assume and tell me what they think is good for me(which really isnt helping).
anyway, i still love them for lecturing me. i know they lecture/console me (though i felt so much worse after that) because they care...
everything's fine now and i want to continue my life.
im not giving up, thanks for those who cared. thanks.
BEAST's Oasis: "I know it ain't easy, but that's okay, you made a way~ ♫"
