im living my worst nightmare now.
and i know that its only the beginning.

hasnt been on my luck recently.
all those smiles that i have on my face were fake.
ALL FAKE.
but who knows.
only aaron, andy, and jiahui saw me cry today.
like finally,
i couldnt control my emotions any further.
however,
after that,
i felt better deceiving myself that everything would be all right.

talked to SCIENCE HOD today regarding me taking H2 chem this year.
she immediately say no after looking at my grades.
i need an A1 for combined sci in Os(which i got an A2 instead),
and she further demoralized me by saying that i scored too badly for my promos.
if only i have gotten an A or B for H1 chem for promos,
then she can grant me H2 CHEM this year.
like WTH?
with computing stressing me like crazy and PW taking me so much of my time?
an A for H1 CHEM?!
you think im god?
i told her ive put in too much effort and time on computing...
she replied:"dont give me such excuses!"
cant blame her.
i know i suck like hell.

just got home from studying outside with val.
i tried to make myself feel much better.
i thought i did.
i wasnt prepared to tell my parents about me not being able to get H2 CHEM at all.
i thought i could wait till im fully ready to announce.
especially when my mum is 烦ing regarding her halt in career.
cos of this,
she's been having a hard time with her partner,
both of them were discussing so fiercely on the phone while we walked our way home after my study.

but hell.
when i reached home,
my dad asked me how did my appeal go.
so... i told them.
blah blah blah...
discussed alot.
whether to stay in NYJC with H2 HEM, or transfer to other JCs to study H2 CME, or go to poly.
tell you what,
all are bad choices for me.

staying in nyjc,
i dont know if i could manage H2 HISTORY+ECONS+MATHS.
consulted dansu.
he says that H2 HISTORY requires hell lots of practices.
plus my econs and maths are bad enough to pull me down.
furthermore, what about my future prospects?

transfer to other JCs,
i know very well i cant adapt well.
i would spend at least 2months adapting.
i hate that feeling.

go to poly,
i cant even imagine how i would look like ten years down the road.
a childcare teacher?
a designer?
a clerk?
hell.
im so not going to waste my time in poly with a course im so uncertain in.

after much serious discussion on the couch,
my daddy let out a sentence which broke my heart so much:
"现在为什么会有这种局面?!"
and he even repeated that thrice.
like WTH.
let me think...
its the cause of my poor Olevel grades, my wrong choice of school, my procrastination, my poor promo grades.
so yah,
its all my fault.
i caused this 局面.
im an ultimate asshole.
ive never met a situation like this before.
i thought retaining is bad enough,
but after ive psycho-ed myself that retaining in fact aint bad afterall,
i realised how stupid i was for getting an A2 for combined science.
IDIOT RETARD ASSHOLE.

why cant my life be as smooth as my genius cousins.
or maybe a little smoother as compared to now...?
i really wonder...

then they were like forcing me to go poly....
i told them im not interested in that now,
and what else,
i dont want to waste a few years in poly studying a course im so not gonna use in the future.

we somehow "quarreled".
i got so tired, seriously.
so i just turned my head away from them,
faced the door,
let my tears well up and roll,
mumbled that im going to 博 with H2 HISTORY,
and walked up to my room.

and yup.
im going to work hard i hope.
procrastination and laziness and blur-ness and stupidity and bad karma and unluckiness,
dont come near me before i start slapping myself.

i shall always remember this feeling.
the feeling of being devastated, helpless...

现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...
现在为什么会有这种局面... ...

as if i wanted and planned all these....... :(

tan leekeat.
ellekay.
elle_kay0114@hotmail.com

Leekeat Tan |