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smile, even if it's going to be a fake one.
because things will get better somehow.
because the sun still shines for you.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
okayys. ii verii stress now. headache. ii realii donn feel happy iin school now. exceptt for clara. onlii clara makes me feel like going to sch... and valerie chua. haiis... frens.

my education, my studiies. all goiing down daa draiin. failed a maths. i will nvr forget that. den failed f&n, eng common test paper... wth. den my physics, chem, e maths, hmt. all not up to standard. chicken feet papers... yet i don get wadd ii think i shd get... including history. upon 10, i got onli 7 when others got 10. i am stupid larhs.

but wadds more! guides pressuring me. sec one de me is owaes da trying to be first lorh. i nort scared to say... i really aimed to be the CL for guides. and President for sports leader. i triied to duu everythin, ii wan to be e best. but afterr a few months, ii loosenn myself. i don wanna set suchh hiigh aims for myself le. coss i feel tired. but i stil tried to do my best larhs.

now that ive quiited sports leader. i feel more relaxed andd happy. ii donn feel so busy as before. being crammed up wiif everythiing in my liife. summre i was made da committee of sports leader. i feel tensed up... so i decided to quit. up til now, i think ive made da right choice. i cant stand havin so mny burdens on my backk. so ii am happy ii haf da guts to let some go.

back to guides. now that im in da top 6. i feel more stress. initially i was glad and happy thatt i was made da top 6. coss i thiink that at least der is a some sort of payback for my hardwork and a lil sacrfices ive put in guides. i had enjoyed guides trainings so much last tym. now... it was all different. im starting to noe more on how cerlyn feels. ii gort no fren lorhs. top 6. da closest is yi siew. but i stil feel 'extra'. i dono wad to do.

last tym was stil alrite for me. but 2dae. its da worse guides trainin ever. worse dan makin me do pumping for a hundred tiimes. iim in charge of sec 3 guides todae. everythin was nort going smoothly... maybe coss we oredy know each other so well... so dey don get tt serious. fren fren marhhs. at first stil can cope. coss got madeline. but after tt mad went to see doc coss of her leg... dey start to get out of control. esp eileen and sylvia. no matter how i say, dey are showing tt dey are nort interested. but i not angry wiif dem. cos i noe i will oso like tt. veri relaxed. and wanns to slack. but its nort tt i donn wan let dem slack. i tryin my best to balance everithin liiaos. makin dem learn the drills and at e same time feel relax. but... everithin is nort rite lorh.

i quite stess wif it lerhhs. some more i top 6. stupid siias. makin me feel more stress. i wans to be a leader. but i don feel tt im coping it well. sec threes don listen! aline, yi siew... dey talked to me a while... aline knew my prob. she tried to lighten me up. iim verii grateful.

oh yarhs. worse still. after tt siew hoon (CL) came to observe. e sec threes although tried to do their best in front of her. but still, dey are slacking. i tried to show siew hoon i can do it. i can be a leader. but her presence made me nervous. i stammered over e commands... den e drills of da sec threes was like... 'omg'. i reali felt like crying. while dey were marchin, i owaes went behind e squad. in case my tears became uncontrollable and roll dwn my cheeks, no one sees it. iim afraid siew hoon w see it. and e others.

i don blame e other top 4 huu were present for makin me take charge of e worse batch(the sec 3s). makin me lose confidence of myself and makin feel like a fool infront of siewhoon. and makin me feel so damm bloody stress. ii noe dey haf their stresses too. and i jus reali gort so unlucky. dats why. and i don blame e sec threes too. dey tried lerhhs. and dey had beared all my naggings... 'don drag ur feet...' 'straighten ur arms lerh!' 'serious la.' their ears were in hell too. so, i don reali push all e faults to dem. but i jus reali reali reali wish tt eileen and sylvia w put in a lil more effort... ... i dono larhhs. but i jus feel tt iim dead oredy...

iim reali veri tired of everithing. i am a stupid person... my studies all flunked. but i swear, i really put in effort in everythin i do dis year. but so wad wif all e efforts? iim still a stupid person. detest myself. next. i am a person lackin of leadership. stupid girl. stil be guides de top 6. i don deserve to be one of demm lorhs. i rather be a normal guide.

plus plus plus... adriano out lerhhs. campus superstar... haiis. i was so dam bloody sad. last nite i burst into tears when i saw tt he was out. haiis. renfred although oso nort bad. but i cant bear adriano. in fact. it was last nite when ii start to haf a liking to adriano. dis yr i tried to put all my concentration in my studies. so refrain myself from going gaga over any idol. like leon lim yu zhi from project superstar... he made me flunk my exams last yr... i ran omos everywhre to support him... so now i decided nort to make myself busy animore. so i tried nort to like any of e campus superstars... but last nite. adriano's elimination changed everithing. i like him lohhs. its such a pity.

its reali a sad day today... iim tired of everithin... really, i am.